Friday, September 19, 2008

Jay, this is Emama. Emama, meet Jay.

My 50th Post is an auspicious occasion for me. One might readily think that my excitement would be bubbling over into my conversations with my husband Jay.

“Honey, this is my 50th post, can you believe it?!” I would say.

He would be pleased right along with me. He would be proud with me. He would think about my dedication to writing. He would think about the excitement I feel when describing those small moments in a welcoming forum. He would know how writing helps me focus on the moments of joy, rather than those moments of frustration. He would know all of this.

He should know all of that, shouldn’t he?

He doesn’t. He should. I haven’t told him. He didn’t ask.

It is shameful and I feel it.

He knows I write. I have allowed him to continue thinking that I write completely privately. He may suspect otherwise. He may simply trust me.

Don’t accidentally think that I am feeling remorseful, apologetic. I would not call it that. I am neither willing to accept blame nor willing to attach such a label to another. This is not about blame.

This is more about being married.

Although Emama’s life is not exactly my life, my little secret has turned into something that I truly enjoy. All these years of never even starting a baby book, and now I have great stories I can share with my children. Could I keep this all in a private journal and give up the blog? The answer is simply no. My journal doesn’t give me a little “thumbs up.” It doesn’t give me that little “yes, I was there too” that keeps me going. My journal didn’t miss me when I was away.

I promised myself I would think about this very seriously in San Francisco. I thought it was possible, a few weeks ago anyway, that I would come back and say ‘goodbye’ to my virtual community. I would go private again, just like my husband suggested.

“Why can’t you just write these stories for yourself and our children?” He asked that, lovingly, not angrily, lovingly.

“I don’t know if you are a good writer, honey, but it is a sweet story.”

That’s what he said when I let him read one. Sweet. He meant it as a compliment. I took it like the pat on the head you give to a little girl. He has probably only read two of my posts. Not on-line mind you, I printed them out. He doesn’t know about Enthalpymama.

I need to let him read this: not because he “deserves” to read them, not because I feel terribly remorseful. I want him to be a part of ALL of my life.

I just love him.

10 comments:

OHmommy said...

Giving you a virtual pat on your head Emama. I love all of you.

Anonymous said...

I don't know Jay well enough to predict his response. But I do know YOU well enough to laud your courage -- the tremendous courage it takes to invite a man you already love even deeper into your soul. --Melanie

Badass Geek said...

The things that you write here are deeply personal and heartfelt. He should be a part of them.

And for the record, I had my blog for about five months before I told my wife about it. Not sure why, but I needed it to be just "mine" for a while.

scatterbrain said...

This has obviously been gnawing away at you for some time. It's a dilemma I can only imagine.

What two people feel able to share between them is intensely personal. Only you can make that decision.

I don't keep anything much from my husband - my independence has always been attractive to him - that he allows me to be myself is what makes me want to eat him.

Jessica said...

I hope that Jay can see this as a special avenue for your creativity expression....you would be missed but we would all understand.

CRigg said...

I so know how you feel. My husband has also only read about 2-3 of my posts, and only because I copy and pasted them into e-mail so he could read them. Then he said something like, "I didn't know you could write." I was like, "thanks." But feel good that Jay now knows that this a big part of your catharsis and creativity. This is why I do it. For no one else but myself and my kids, eventually!

the sits girls said...

We hope Jay comes to love Emama just as much. :o)

Rhea said...

I told my hubby about the blog from the beginning and then finally convinced him to read it, because I wanted to share all my life with him also...didn't go over too well that night. He made fun of it, and hurt my feelings...

He apologized later and admitted to feeling jealous.

He needed time to adjust.

Indy said...

Wondering how it all turned out....

enthalpymama said...

Thanks for all of your comments. I've answered most of you individually, but here is the community response. He read them all. He really enjoyed my writing. He loves me, of course. He is not totally comfortable with it, but I am not ready to give it up either. It is going to take a little time to get the balance right.

My next post will be amusing, I promise!