Thursday, August 14, 2008

The wheels on the bus swirl in my head

Less than two weeks before school starts: thirteen days and counting. For six years, yes, since my first was born, I have looked forward to sending them to school. I know for those first six months of his life I would have given my eyeteeth to just send him to school for one day. Please, please, just get me through the day I would think. Where did this child come from? Okay, I knew that part, but what craziness entrusted me with a child? I desperately wanted children. We had fertility issues, we tried “forever”, but those first sixth months were mind-boggling. I thought they would never end.

I was SO tired. I had only one friend in the new town (who is, remarkably, still my friend). I was SO alone with the child. I craved human interaction that didn’t involve having a human attached to me. I had lost myself a little. I missed me. Where was I in all of this mess?

My old self is still there, she is my friend, but she isn’t me. I love her, I think of her often, I even wonder what she would think if she could see me now. That woman had her heart all in one place. She made plans and moved forward, undaunted. Confident in a way that you can be when your heart is all yours.

I agreed to share my heart when I married. I cried about that. I knew that my decisions were still mine, but they were also ours. I became tangled up. It is a happy tangle. Then we had a baby. I thought postpartum was that short time right after birth. I didn’t realize that my heart would be running around in someone else’s body too. Then we had two more babies. Now my heart can run in five directions at once. It can be broken and filled with joy within the same moment. I’m so blessed. I can barely breathe.

School starts in 13 days. I am not ready. We have school supplies. My husband wants to take him clothes shopping. He has a lunchbox. My son is ready. He’s so ready. I am proud of him. I want him to go to school. I want to see his broad smile getting on that bus. I want to see the confidence he has running back down the street, asking if I made cookies today, just for a special surprise. I am even ready for the days when he is teased on the bus, when he is disappointed by the day. My heart is ready. His heart will grow stronger and so will mine. His heart will grow prouder and so will mine. My two little ones will be home; they will blossom with extra attention.

Please, can’t I just have a few more days?

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